Now, let me say straight away that I quite like IKEA. Of course there have been some unpalatable revelations, and in particular that its founder Ingvar Kamprad was an active member of the Swedish Nazi party during WWII, and later that it used the forced labour of political prisoners in pre-unification East Germany. But every family has its little ways, and when I needed some storage boxes for the contents of furniture that was about to be wheeled out of the door, I thought of their local store. And sure enough, they had boxes that were just right. Except for one thing.
Now, there are a number of reasons why I do not need to be told this:
- I do not have any babies. I have four children, all of whom successfully navigated infancy without being suffocated in boxes, and they are all now far too big to fit in the box anyway;
- Even if I did have a baby, I would not put it in the box;
- Even if I did have a baby, and put it in the box (we are, as you can see, getting really quite far-fetched here), I would not put the lid on the box;
- If, in an aberrant moment, all these things were to happen, I would promptly take the lid off the box;
- And retracing our steps for just a moment, there is no room to put a baby in the box anyway, because the boxes are full of the stuff that, until very recently, was in the drawers of the furniture that has just been wheeled out of the door.
The label is really quite insistent about the point. It provides the warning in English. Then in French. Then in Spanish. Then in German. Then in Dutch. Then in Danish. Then in Norwegian. And then in about two dozen other languages. I do not need to be told about the baby in the box thing in any of these languages.
So I decided to pull it off. No go. I tried soap and water. Wouldn’t budge. I tried soaking it in the spa overnight (it is too big for the sink) but it still would not come off. It is as though the bloody thing has been welded on! WTF!
Having wasted quite a bit of time fruitless trying to get these stupid labels off, I am starting to think maybe I could
- Adopt a baby;
- Put the baby in the box;
- Put the lid on the box;
- Leave it there until the baby has suffocated.
- In fact, I am just about prepared to tip the contents of one of these boxes all over the drawing room carpet, just to make room for the baby.
Ha! That would go to show these people that their stupid label on the boxes are not going to stop people putting their babies in the boxes. In fact there are probably people in Britain, France, Spain, Germany, Holland, Denmark, Norway and about two dozen other countries who would never have even dreamt of putting their baby in the box if it the idea were not put into their heads by the stupid label.